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> Poetry Contest 1 Results, Yep
 Posted: Apr 22 2014, 06:43 PM
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Come one, come all, and view the judgement of the poetry entries!

First up, we have the entry from AmericanLight!

Everyday I spend my time to see , how lonely I can be , even until the long dark nights , I see no shiny bright light , my future is dull and frail , I have nothing to do but leave a blank trail , leave no mark and leave no trace , I have nothing to embrace, this is the tale of my miserable life on Earth , what is my worth ?


I considered this poem as-entered, and also using the commas as line breaks, just in case it was intended that way. That version is below:

Everyday I spend my time to see,
how lonely I can be,
even until the long dark nights,
I see no shiny bright light,
my future is dull and frail,
I have nothing to do but leave a blank trail,
leave no mark and leave no trace,
I have nothing to embrace,
this is the tale of my miserable life on Earth,
what is my worth?


Analysis:

This poem had a simple but elegant rhyme scheme (aabbcc...), which was fairly refreshing. Upon the first reading it seemed to me that there was a longline-shortline-longline-shortline pattern, but upon further reading it became clear that that wasn't exactly the case. The subject material is rather dark, which I like, but it is far from novel, which I don't like. The choice of diction is also fairly common, which subtracts from the evocative power and imagery. Overall, I feel that this work had a good amount of potential on an abstract level, but suffered from the execution.



Next up, Vansalon's entry!

One dragon paints the meadow white,
the next breathes forth his ire.
The last snuffs out this world's pale light;
three dragons, born of fire.

The first hails from the frozen north,
where winter storms do gale.
His claws rend all who do come forth,
His talons pierce the toughest mail.

The next, from craters of the earth,
where fire rules the day.
His grinning visage, devoid of mirth:
Breathing flame spilled forth to slay.

The last flies forth from darkened skies,
another world, where daylight fades.
Sleeping silent, the shadow lies.
The dragon wakes, the dark invades.

One dragon paints the meadow white,
the next breathes forth his ire.
The last snuffs out this world's pale light;
three dragons, born of fire.


Analysis:

This work was almost a Shakespearean sonnet. Had it ended with a couplet rather than a fifth quatrain, it would have been. That said, not being such a sonnet did not detract from it at all, in my opinion. Given that it is composed of quatrains, it is once again a fairly simple and elegant rhyme scheme, which gets the job done. The rhythmic content is exceedingly regular in syllable and beat, which gives the poem a sort of sing-song quality. Given that the poem tells a tale (and a rather bardic one at that; something I'd expect to be sung by a minstrel in a fantasy game) that is very suiting. My favorite part about this poem is the choice of diction; the words themselves produce wonderful imagery, and fit the general fantasy mood. The only major thing I can fault the poem on is the subject itself. While I certainly appreciate fantasy poetry, reading this one felt like I was missing something. It is a tale of three dragons, but what three dragons? Where? What is the significance of the three dragons, and what happens to them? I feel like this poem could easily be a part of a much longer poem (and I would encourage its extension.) Other than that qualm, this poem was overall very good.



Next in line, a poem from Is_Corrupted!

Roses suck
Violet duck
I are poetry
and so is you

Throw bombs at dudes
Throw dudes at bombs
Barbarian they call me
I call them pansy

Throw dudes at dudes
Throw bombs at bombs
Me are brain smell funny
Maybe held bomb too long


Analysis:

I'm fairly certain this entry was intended as a joke. However, I'm judging it anyway, because I can. The poem has no real rhyme scheme of which to speak, which isn't inherently bad, but a poem that is structured this way, in three stanzas of four lines each, could really use one. The English in the poem is heavily incorrect, which comes across to me as intended in the voice, as the speaker mentions that he/she is often called Barbarian by an unidentified third party. Were this theme kept more consistent with a classic image of a barbarian, or some deeper meaning carried throughout the poem, this could be a benefit. However, given that that isn't the case, and the subject matter is instead dedicated towards a strange joke involving explosives, it really seems a waste towards something that could have been used to express a viewpoint of a marginalized voice, even if satirically. Overall, this poem needs some serious work.




Last but not least, Sea Lion! This one with a title! The poem presented below has been edited slightly to fit with intended format as expressed in the post:

drunk one night, I kissed Her
........................She kissed Me
........................We kissed

In the glow of a moon and a hundred cellphone lights
I sat with the bus bouncing and sending the seat crashing on my head.
You pressed against my side because, you said,
I was warm like California and you were homesick. I didn’t think it was that cold,
but everyone swore it was an Indian Winter and I was wrong,
that I’d just gotten used to it. But still, I didn’t think that a quilt was necessary.

Then again, a lot that happened that summer wasn’t necessary,
I thought. It was a Broadway stage rigged up and set with cloth backdrops and hollow lights
and all day and night artists, who swore nothing was wrong,
would dance their way across the stage and smile at eachother, then calmly head
below, down to where they couldn’t be seen, where it was cold,
even though there were still things that should have been but never were, out loud, said.


You looked up at me, ‘Am I bothering you?’ You said,
‘I can move.’ But I didn’t want you to, I told you: ‘It really isn’t necessary.’
So you settled your head into my neck to keep out the cold.
Above us the stars slide drunk across the skies and as we passed street lights
they would lit up, for just the briefest second, your head
and in those moments of singular luminescence I could read the whole world wrong,

read the stars; the words; the pictures; the people: wrong,
and it wouldn’t have mattered. Right then anything could have been said,
and it wouldn’t have mattered: everything was present. No need to head
to past or future and hope for something better, none of that was necessary.
I could just
................sit and wait
................................and let the lights
of the bus
.................wash out and over
............................................the road.
.........................................................And it wasn’t cold.

Nothing was cold.
There could be a million million things wrong,
but it won’t be cold: I know that somewhere those same lights,
the ones that lit the bus and the field where someone had slowly said
their poetry, where you asked for candy with sugar on your breath, where it was necessary
for us to move in close and whisper with each other head to head

so no one would over hear us talking one last night before we had head
off in our different directions, to California coast or Connecticut cold,
those lights still glow. And that friendship was necessary,
not that we needed it, but it would have been wrong
without it. No matter what anyone said.
The cloth fell and the lights

died, one by one. ‘Head
home,’ I said. ‘Don’t get too cold,’
you made an unfunny joke,
........................................then I took a breath
.....................................................................of your steamy air
................................................................................................and walked away
..........................................................................................................................as was necessary.


Analysis:

This poem had no particular rhyme scheme, but given its freeform nature, this wasn't a detractor at all. In fact, it seems to me that a rhyme scheme would have hurt the poem, or at the very least been very difficult to incorporate without detriment. The poem is stacked with right-on-the-nail imagery, starting with the first line and never really stopping all the way through the end. The repetition of the word "necessary" and the word "wrong" gives the poem a good pace, and frequent and skilful use of enjambment builds a small and beneficial amount of tension that keeps one reading. The formatting itself, despite awkwardness when presented on a forum (I couldn't figure a way past the periods, either) does the poem several favors. Word choice is spot on, and the subject matter is at once relatable and expertly executed. Overall, this poem has no major issues as far as I'm concerned. It's a great poem.





And now, for the final announcement...

The winner of the First Poetry Contest of TEB, and, should he accept, the host of the next one, is...


Sea Lion!


*Insert applause and streamers here*

The runner-up, should Sea Lion turn down the hosting, is Vansalon.


Congratulations, Sea Lion, on your conquest via poetic skill! I would recommend you keep this poem and consider entering it in a contest with a prize, or something. I'd recommend a literary magazine or webzine, but they don't tend to take submissions that have appeared elsewhere online... yeah, sorry about that.

--------------------
Openly confessed to killing cookies.
Wanted:
Alive: 200000000 + a cookie.
Dead: 130000
Please bring suspect directly to Cedar Nyx. She will deal with the punishment of this felony herself...
BEWARE THE FRUIT KNIFE.

I do not tread lightly. I prefer cleats.


We're allowed to advertise in our signatures? Alright then, buy my poetry manuscript: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DDD6Y7Y

And maybe watch whatever I put on Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/nihilonyxis


Proud father of Nih, the best virtual daughter I've ever had.
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Sea Lion
 Posted: Apr 22 2014, 07:52 PM
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Wooo! Thanks, and actually it isn't quite freeform, it's a kind of sestina. The stanzas are supposed to be six lines each and each line ends with a certain word that's repeated in a specific pattern throughout the poem (which accounts for the repetition of wrong, necessary, lights, etc.) then the last stanza is three lines that can has a couple options for which end words you use.

I messed around with the form a bit with the line breaks though because I liked how the poem looked and I thought it helped with the pacing as well as accented the shift.

But yeah, I definitely accept.

Oh, and here's a link to how a sestina is set up:
http://www.baymoon.com/~ariadne/form/sestina.htm
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 Posted: Apr 22 2014, 08:59 PM
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And the system is in ruins...
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I probably should have explained my entry, yes.

It's actually part of a post apocalyptic story I wrote a draft of a long time ago / plan to write in full at some point. It was kind of unique in being a fantasy post apocalyptic world, with the general idea being that three extraplanar dragons were thrown out of their home dimension by a gigantic war, and found themselves in a world with a much lower level of power than theirs, so they, naturally, took it over.

Congrats, Sea Lion.

--------------------
user posted image
user posted image

user posted image

QUOTE (Duchess of Freege @ Nov 27 2012, 11:47 AM)
Indeed. In the realm of cookies, Vansalon reigns supreme.


QUOTE (Sqawl)
YOUTUUUUBE! WHAT HAST THOU WROUGHT?!


QUOTE (Kiroshima @ Dec 24 2012, 03:28 PM)
And suddenly, nothing happened.


QUOTE
"Eternal twilight would be hell, in both senses of the phrase."


QUOTE
I'LL TAKE THE TRIFORCE OF DINNER TO PROTECT ME


QUOTE (Sqawl)
IT'S VANCE-UEL L. JACKSON!



QUOTE (Sqawl)
What Karida doesn't know is that Kiro will probably be like "YOU ARE CORRECT, MISS KARIDA: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, A HEALER OF THE TEMPLAR CLASS EXISTS AT POSITION X 21 Y 14. I PREDICT HE WILL ARRIVE IN APPROXIMATELY EIGHT TURNS"


QUOTE (Kiroshima)
;p;


QUOTE (Flame Emblem)
You exist to troll me into defeat. That is your purpose in life.


QUOTE (Sqawl)
come back when you're a little
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM(kaylee)
RICHARD


QUOTE (Sqawl)
Vancuel L. Jackson has HAD IT WITH THIS MOTHAFUCKIN' AMBIGUITY IN THIS MOTHAFUCKIN' ROLEPLAY


QUOTE (Connagh Doohan)
It's like your on the road to being a goth and you're mostly there, but are perpetuallly stopped at an Ice Cream Parlour or something


QUOTE (Sqawl)
Ghandi is trying to learn "Nuclear Hellfire". But, Ghandi can only know four moves.
Delete "Peace" for "Nuclear Hellfire"?


QUOTE (Flame Emblem)
IGNORANCE IS BLISS AND HE WAS A SPECIAL WALL


lolskypeconvos

[8:09:06 PM] THE ASIAN TRUTH A.K.A JIMMEEEHHH: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━
[8:09:17 PM] Sqawl: ┬─┬◡ノ(° -°ノ)
[8:09:22 PM] THE ASIAN TRUTH A.K.A JIMMEEEHHH: FFFFFFF
[8:09user posted image5 PM] THE ASIAN TRUTH A.K.A JIMMEEEHHH: (Vಠ益ಠ)>彡┻━
[8:09:46 PM] Sqawl: ┬─┬◡ノ(° -°ノ)
[8:10:02 PM] THE ASIAN TRUTH A.K.A JIMMEEEHHH: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━彡┻━
[8:10:19 PM | Edited 8:10user posted image3 PM] Sqawl: ┬─┬◡ノ(° -°)\◡┬─┬
[8:10:28 PM] THE ASIAN TRUTH A.K.A JIMMEEEHHH: GRAHHHH
[8:10:29 PM] THE ASIAN TRUTH A.K.A JIMMEEEHHH: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
[8:10:51 PM] Sqawl: ┬─┬◡ノ(° -°ノ)
...
(╯°□°)╯≡≡≡≡≡≡┴┴*(,`~,)┐
[8:10:54 PM] THE ASIAN TRUTH A.K.A JIMMEEEHHH: (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━ ┻
[8:10:57 PM] THE ASIAN TRUTH A.K.A JIMMEEEHHH: IT BROKE

[30:55 PM | Edited 3user posted image1:00 PM] The entire population of America (Flame Emblem): Chromx"Marth"
[31:01 PM] Vansalon: ...lolol
[31:01 PM] Yash: LOL
[31:03 PM] Aura: No comment
[31:08 PM] Yash: you'll understand later

[3user posted image8:57 PM] The entire population of America (Flame Emblem): Emmeryn is unintroduced
[3user posted image9:05 PM] Cevian: I hope you don't fall for her though.

[10:15:05 AM] Sqawl: DAWN OF THE SECOND DAY.
[10:15:19 AM] Vansalon: xD
[10:15:26 AM] Vansalon: ||||||
[10:15:29 AM] The entire population of America: xD
[10:15user posted image9 AM] Sqawl: DOHOHO.
[10:15:47 AM] Vansalon: I don't care that it's not the fourth day; I'm making that reference.

[5:59user posted image3 PM] Yash: I like crap sometimes

[7:09:54 PM] Flame Emblem: I'm surrounded by idio- *shot*
[7:24:17 PM] Aura: Maybe you should stop multiply-- *Stabbed*





Yesterday,

I watched three men die because one man sneezed in a room full of blood and shit and light.

Today,

three more men go in, cheap mops and each other's lives in their hands.

Yesterday,

I watched a man I admired gunned down for leaving a rose for a girl whose life was tattered by trauma she never deserved.

Today,

she doesn't remember, and three halls down I can hear her screaming.

Yesterday,

I watched a group of soldiers go down fighting against the corpses of comrades who'd died before them.

Today,

we test another sample, this time on children.

Yesterday,

I watched five men and women gunned down in an abandoned factory no one cares about.

Today,

it happens again and again. Every eleven seconds. Forever.

Yesterday,

I watched a man sit comfortably in a nice armchair, sipping scotch and laughing as he ordered a woman to simply stop breathing.

Today,

he gets the day off of work detail for good behavior.

Yesterday,

I watched hundreds of men and women in orange jumpsuits herded like animals into empty rooms that filled with gas and fire.

Today,

hundreds more are told they have a chance for a lighter sentence, and a chance to serve their country.

Yesterday,

I watched the world nearly die in a thousand thousand terrible ways. Sometimes we would have had time to scream.

Today,

I'm alive to write about it. You want happy endings? Fuck you.

You're alive to read it.

God help us all.



Cookie if you know where that's from user posted image

Hey, this guide is now a thing. Check it out if you're interested in Roleplaying.

[12:45:45 PM] Firefly Vansalon: btw guys
saying this in advance because it's relevant to planning RP things

I'm going to be out of state June 14-July 18. I officially have a job/internship thing/whatever you want to call it at the Lutheran Camp on mt. Petit Jean, so I'm leaving for there a day before the first week of camp starts (pretty sure I go a day early, anyway).
[12:46:06 PM] Firefly Vansalon: I'll have my phone, of course, but I'll never get a chance to be on except MAYBE sunday nights.
[12:474 PM] Firefly Vansalon: Monday-friday I'll be busy with the actual camp proceedings, saturday I'll be busy cleaning up (along with all the other staff) and sunday morning we'll be starting preperations for the next group.
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 Posted: Apr 22 2014, 09:07 PM
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^^I must admit, that's a form of poem I know very little about (hence the not recognizing). Thanks for the link; it's quite intriguing.

^Ah. That makes more sense now. You should definitely write it in full.

--------------------
Openly confessed to killing cookies.
Wanted:
Alive: 200000000 + a cookie.
Dead: 130000
Please bring suspect directly to Cedar Nyx. She will deal with the punishment of this felony herself...
BEWARE THE FRUIT KNIFE.

I do not tread lightly. I prefer cleats.


We're allowed to advertise in our signatures? Alright then, buy my poetry manuscript: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DDD6Y7Y

And maybe watch whatever I put on Youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/user/nihilonyxis


Proud father of Nih, the best virtual daughter I've ever had.
PM
^
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