Author's Note: Since I've lacked time to make a proper entry in ToTTEBs, I've decided to entertain you all with this "autobiography" of FEDE's. All I can guarantee is it will get a reaction out of the members who knew him.
The World According to FEDE; By FEDE, with M Denning
Preface by M Denning:
While revising my brother's autobiography I was struck by the colorful language and emotion. The only thing I really did was remove enough PG-13 content to satisfy the editor and publisher. Needless to say this was a necessary job and I was happy to do it.
You, the reader, should take this book with a grain of salt. It is an insight into a wonderful but strange mind. By strange, I mean eccentric border-lining on mentally ill. Because of this, it is the most fun I've had editing in a long time.
You might be offended, you might be humored, or any other emotion on the spectrum. Without further preamble, here are the first 23 years of FEDE's life, in his own words.
*********Remember, the rest is from FEDE's perspective*************
Chapter One: Youth and Crap
I don't really remember being little. Or young. Besides, it's not like anyone cares. They just joke about how I could never be little since I'm so tall. Reminds me of high school and shit. I guess we'll start there.
I went to a school named WeBlow. It was called that because everyone blew dick. This is when I started hating fags (See the chapter entitled "Man I hate Fags") The faculty didn't help and I really hated them. Bunch of fags. I think some were Catholics. So yeah, fags.
Our principal was Michael Rosen. He escaped Hitler's grasp when he was 3 years old. He's also a Jew and the only non-fag so I guess he was okay. He mainly gave speeches on Harrybo and his mum. I don't really understand why he was principal.
Classes were lame. The other students had the intelligence of a bag of rocks. That's between all of them, each one a rock. So whenever I say "fag" or "rock" now they mean the same thing. The teachers were like rocks, too.
The most exciting days were when there were no drug deals or orgies in the halls. Since blowing people was a way to show support for the school nothing ever really got done. To this day it amazes me the funding WeBlow got.
Enough of this shit. I was happy to go to Purdue for college. Even though I didn't give a crap enough to actually apply my Mom bailed me out. Since I actually got good grades in high school Purdue took pity on me. Luckily there aren't as many fags at Purdue.
Chapter 2: Religion according to Me
So I was raised mostly going to church. When I was a teenager I was fanatically religious. I decided that wasn't going well and stopped giving a shit for a short while. That was right before basic training. Basic training is the biggest fag gathering I've ever been to. That's where I learned to cuss, not give a shit about a worldview or part of a religion if I didn't want to, and I also learned how to participate in a circle jerk.
Rather than pay attention to details and all teachings of the Bible, I decided that being my own man was better if it suited the situation. the only rule I thought was really needed was not taking God's name in vain. Besides that, everything else was fair game.
Mostly I kept with what I learned in church. But by the end of my time at Purdue I had let my bitterness and the hyper-liberalism of college life take hold of me. When asked about certain issues, I made sure (and still do) to have a strong response that I think is cool.
People have asked me about gay marriage. Rather than present a tactful argument like my brother, I take a shorter route. They're a bunch of fags, hippies that like to have buttsex or whatever it is lesbians do. They don't need to marry to spread their gay-ness and shit. Hell, if one shows up on my lawn I'll shoot it.
Sometimes I'm asked about evolution. Evolution is a bunch of shit. I don't know why anyone gives a fuck about it. Man was created, not evolved. So yeah, I mean evolution as the source of life, not adaptation and speciation. Those were proposed by Christian scientists before Darwin and his cronies hijacked them. I know my shit. The fags on TEB wouldn't know, but I was a microbiology major before changing to history.
Abortion is a touchy topic. For whatever reason I decided that women who are raped should be able to have an abortion in the first trimester. Because that changes what happened and punishes the rapist. I know, great logic. Include your praise in your fan mail.
There are other facets of Christianity that I kind of ignore. I love everyone, except when I don't. Rather than quote Scripture to say why I think something and how it makes sense, I call people fags. It's much easier and since they rarely listen it's just as productive. Sometimes I feel down, so I listen to music about bashing and fucking up shit. I used to listen to Gospel music but that's not in right now so whatever. If it's loud it's on the right track to being on my playlist. If it includes hating stuff, the past, or shit going downhill it's in. A lot of emos are subscribed to me on YouTube. They're fags too.
The next chapters will probably be up Friday or Saturday.
Props to Sqawl for letting me use his splice as my avi!
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost's Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening